Maine, running, Michelle Kwan, and the moon.

This post has been one that a year ago I fantasized about writing and for the past week and a half... I dreaded it.

It's time. I've got my kleenex in one hand and a glass of wine in the other... wait... scratch that... they are next to me as I type. I'm ready to share now.

There is a verse in the bible that goes like this: Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

My hope has been deferred and I'm trying to be a good sport about it. Really I am. But I'm sad. Deflated. And (ask Todd) downright cranky!

Let me back up a bit.

Last year I posted about how inspired I became when I read Emilie's post about her running the MDI Half Marathon. I thought... no... I BELIEVED that I could train and do it too! So badly did I want to be able to train during the winter that I pleaded with Todd to buy a treadmill for Christmas. We did get the treadmill and my training officially began that day. I remember the date without even needing to look it up. Want to know what it was? Well, I'm tellin' you anyway! It was December 19! It's my blog... I can tell you if I want to ;) (told you I was cranky)

I loved the training! I looked forward to the long runs and reaching each and every milestone. I remember the first time I ran 7 then 9 then 10 miles. I love the burn you get in your muscles the next day from a good workout. Yep, I really, sincerely do!

May 3rd was the Frederick Half Marathon. I stressed that week about the rainy forecast, what to wear, running alone, and (excuse me while I get personal) what to do if a certain type of nature called during the race. All the while telling myself that this was just the "practice run" the real one was going to be in Maine in September.

The Frederick Half was an incredible experience! The rain held off till the half way point so that was cool and I found some unexpected friends to run with. I was on a high for the rest of the week after completing that race. I mean 8 months after deciding to do this I had trained and actually done it! Me! The notorious procrastinator!

Summer brought a bit of a rest time and before I knew it it was time to start training for the half marathon in Maine on the 19th of September. You know... my real goal.

Training went well up till I ran 7 miles. That was a good run. The next weekend I was supposed to run 8. I set out with my course plotted and my water bottles stashed.

I made it to mile 5 when all of a sudden out of nowhere pain assaulted my left knee. It was so sudden and startling that I didn't know what to do. I hadn't tripped, stumbled, twisted, or fallen. It was literally the difference between one step and the next. And it was excruciating! I walked a bit thinking... what? Maybe it would go away? Please Lord make it go away!

Walking felt fine. After a few dozen steps I tried to run again. No pain at first but then there it was building slowly and then suddenly excruciating!

I was 2 1/2 miles from home. I tried to walk/run till I finally gave that up to just limp home. Once home I sat to eat dinner. Then I tried to stand up... to find that I could put NO weight on that leg whatsoever. What was going on?

I iced it and took large doses of Alieve for a couple of days. (Note to self: remember to eat with ibuprofen!) AND I rested for the rest of the week. All week long my knee felt fine. It never hurt. I started walking on the treadmill. No pain. I ran a mile on the treadmill. No pain.

The next weekend our training schedule called for a 9 mile run. My thought was this: I'm going to try to run as far as I can. I'd like to run the whole 9 but let's see what I can do. After all the Half was 2 weeks away.

Soooo, once again I set out with water bottles stashed along my route. As I started to run I was so optimistic. I felt great. Nothing hurt. Aerobically I felt great. I can do this, I thought. Last week was just a minor glitch! Then I got to mile 2 and once again my knee betrayed me. I had to stop and walk. Like before I tried to run after walking a bit but it was no use.

I thought of Tom Hanks in Apollo 13, "We just lost the moon."

I thought of Michelle Kwan and the missed gold medals (that's plural folks!)

I know how they feel. (Yes I think to some small degree I do.) I hung my head as I walked and tears stung my eyes. I knew that if I couldn't run now that there was no chance for me to be able to run the Half. I just wouldn't have the training behind me.

As a matter of fact why even go to Maine? What was the point? I'll just stay home with the kids and Todd can go and be with his family.

So that's what I told everyone. I was staying home.

Except... for a year we have been telling the kids that we are all going to Maine. Todd has been training too and why shouldn't we go and at least cheer him on in his first half marathon race?

Maybe I could walk the 13.1 miles instead of running them?

I went to an orthopedic doctor who specializes in sports injuries. He took x-rays and could find nothing wrong with the bones in my knee. He recommended 2 things: 1- It could be an over-use injury brought on because I didn't cross train while training this time. So rest for a few weeks followed by gradually getting back to working out. Then if the same thing happens again he would send me for an MRI. Or 2- go straight for an MRI right now.

I opted for #1. And decided that for better or for worse I would walk the half marathon in Maine instead of running it.

So On Thursday the 17th we got up at 3 in the morning and headed for Maine. It was a 14 hour drive. With 4 kids. Who were fantastic. But still... God bless whoever decided DVD players in vans would be a good idea!

Maine is breathtaking! But I will post about Maine and pictures in another post. This one is all about moi. Sorry like I said, my blog!

Race day was beautiful. Crisp, clear, cold, and beautiful. Emilie met us there early. Walkers start an hour earlier than runners. I was not expecting to see her till the end but there she was. And I knew what that meant. She lives twice as far away from the race as from where Todd and I were staying. So she had to get her family up extra early to make it there for my start time.

Emilie, Thank You. (and of course if you just got there early because you are just anal and need to get places early do not tell me... as this post is all about me that would just ruin the tone now wouldn't it?)

Thank you for getting there early and bringing breakfasty things for the kids and seeing me to the start line. I think you are pretty cool and awesome and sweet. And I'm sorry that Drew tried to kill Reed. Really I am. But more about that in another post.

Soooooo... getting on with the story... before I knew it they blew the horn and we were off and walking. When I say "we" I mean me and all the other walkers that I did not know. That is until Marliese happened by and started to talk to me.

Somehow we just kept talking and walking and before I knew it the first hour had flown by! And I had walked 4 miles in that one hour! Then Marliese tells me that the last half marathon she walked she finished in under 3 hours! Earlier she had spoken of her daughter who is in her early 30's so I'm thinking that she's at least 15 years older than me. AND I'm struggling to keep up with her! Not because of my knee though. At that point my knee was holding out just fine.

It was mile 6 that started to do me in. It was all steadily up hill. My knee started to complain and I started to slow down. By mile 7 I had to say goodbye to Marliese. I knew that she had a time goal and I didn't want to slow her down.

It was then when I was alone (surrounded by walkers and by now runners have started to pass us by... but still alone) that I really looked around and started to take it all in. I was HERE. In Maine. Where I made it a goal to be. And it was breathtaking! And I was here! I might not be running. BUT I had a body that could walk. I could waste my time being sad for what I couldn't do OR I could spend my time praising God for what I could do.

It was so bittersweet that I still don't know quite how to put it into words. I'm thankful for what I can do but at the same time I'm sad that I didn't get to do what I dreamed and trained for... for an entire year.

I know it's ridiculous to compare what I went through to someone like Michelle Kwan or the astronauts of Apollo 13 but don't we all have times like that in our lives? Times where we plan and prepare and even train for a certain outcome only to have disappointment reign? How do we pick ourselves up and keep going? and even try, try again?

Hope.

Hope deferred makes our hearts sick. But a longing fulfilled? Why that's a tree of life! And what is a tree of life? Why it bears fruit with seed. Seed that when planted brings forth a harvest!

Soooo, I finished the half marathon in a "respectable" amount of time (according to my sister, Meredith) and went on to have a fabulous few days in the gorgeous state of Maine.

And while I'm trying to be a good sport and gracious about not being able to do what I set out to do... in a way I'm mourning too. I'm mourning the loss of my dream. I'm sad.

I thought of Michelle Kwan and how she smiled and interviewed through tears after she lost the gold. I remember commentators saying that she should be more poised. WHAT??? Seriously? For someone to be so passionate about something and then lose it... how can you not cry? Especially when you've given so much of your life to train for it.

So, I'm taking the time to be sad. After all, Christ said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

I think I'm done mourning now. Time to get back on the horse... er... treadmill.

The Frederick Half Marathon is coming up on May 2, 2010!

Here's to Michelle Kwan.

Here's to aiming for the moon!

Here's to hope.